Feels.

​I am lying in the bed. 

Crying for a guy whom I told that I dont cry for guys. I am not crying because I cant touch him. That i cant kiss. I can do all of that. I am just crying because I cant feel him. I can feel his hands around my body. When his hands are below my waist. But I rather want his hands in my hands. Even if that happens I know he wont feel the love. He wont feel the affection. The warmth. 

He thinks I talk to alot of guys. He has no idea I ignore all for him. I try hard not reply to his texts. But I fail. He texts me when he is bored. I text him whenever the hell I get the time. If I dont get time to text him, he makes sure that he is on my mind. All the fucking time.

He has no idea how hard I am crying these days. Like my eyes are literally raining tears. And I was never this sort of girl. I never cry for guys. Especially the ones with attitude. But why the fuck him then. Every unanswered text draws a line between us. Unfortunately the lines are drawn on my wrist with a knife.

Crazy right. But just think how hard it is to walk in the school corridor, look at him and pretend everything is okay. Pretend that I dont love him. Pretend that I am a bitch with boss ass personality. Pretend that he dosent matter. Pretend that if not him then I have hundered other options. But he is the only one. After all in reality I am just a weekling. I need attention and care. 

I dont want to be one of the girls in his life. I want to the one. Cliché, right?He is says that I am the only one. But I know that when he calls me baby, I am definetely not the only one. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks. Beyonce is taking over me. 

All of this is so strange. I wish not to feel this. I wish I could be like him: kiss and yet feel nothing. Or wish he could be like me: kiss and feel everything.

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